I have had the wonderful experience of watching a close friend fall in love. She smiles when she talks about her mate, and talks about him at random times, which is evidence that she is thinking about him a great deal. I could not be more delighted for her. Within a few days, it happened to another friend of mine, with the same sort of reaction, although it was accompanied by a loss of appetite. And then a few more people reported via Facebook that they had fallen in love with someone.
I was initially surprised by the fact that people are falling in love around me, despite it being winter. Some scholars have speculated that the best time to find lasting love is the fall, with summer being the best time to find short-term relationships. (See: http://www.match.com/magazine/article/9907/Falling-In-Love-This-Fall/)
Winter, they argue, is a difficult time to find someone because many of us reduce our activities, in addition to the fact that we might wear less revealing clothing and have decreased mood, due to less (and weaker) sunlight. I should mention that in the case of my love-stricken friends, all of them live in a place where there are currently freezing temperatures.
Being around people who are falling in love is fun (partly because under normal conditions, these people might not act so silly), but it can also be depressing, especially if one is in an unsatisfying relationship. Social comparison can be a nasty part of human nature. I will comment more about this in a subsequent post.
A feedback loop begins to form, with a brain reward system becoming involved. This reward system is influenced by the central nervous system and the contents of the bloodstream, such as the level of various neurotransmitters. The reward system sends chemical messages, via neurotransmitters, to various parts of the body, including the stomach, skin, genitals and other organs, which causes them to send messages back to the brain. To phrase it simplistically, if stimulation of the genitals feels good, for example, then the reward system receives this information and causes one to seek more of what was pleasurable. Interestingly, anticipation alone can cause a biological response and stimulate the reward system.
During the initial stages of love or lust, this reward system is stimulated through very simple means; a lover’s touch, seeing their photograph, or even just thinking about this person can increase elevated mood and focused attention. Helen Fisher and colleagues (2005: http://www.helenfisher.com/downloads/articles/13JourCompNeur.pdf) found that when the brains of those who state they are passionately in love are scanned by an fMRI, the reward system is activated.
Where the relationship goes from here becomes increasingly complicated. Some might fear the possibility of rejection, which overrides their enjoyment of falling in love. Others may be scared about committing to the relationship, or be overly needy and clingy, and as a result, drive their lover away. Some may dive in, secure in their hopes that this might be the relationship that lasts. These patterns are thought to start in the early stages of development, and reflect the parent-child relationship. This early relationship, although not romantic, teaches us about how relationships work, what we can expect of others, and whether relationships –of any kind- are worthwhile. There are various ways to assess one’s attachment style, and if you’d curious, you can take a short quiz here: http://psychology.about.com/library/quiz/bl-attachment-quiz.htm
Although there are many benefits of being single, there is no denying that falling in love is an intense time, and one that most of us find exhilarating. The next time someone you know starts to comment on the smell of the outdoors being more refreshing than usual, or you notice they grin when staring at a photograph of someone they are dating, enjoy the show and know that they are possibly falling in love.
Recent Comments